Relationships and the Pain They Cause

So the girl I agreed to have a friend's with benefits thing with told me she can't and said she'd offer me only friendship. Friendship is great and I'm okay with it and I'll continue talking to her because we get along well, but I still feel upset that she had to call the deal off before it even began.

She found me on Facebook. Did she see some pictures that didn't concentrate on my face and changed her mind about wanting to have sex. Maybe she decided, nevermind, I don't want a fat girl. I want someone who's thinner with less acne. 

God, I feel so selfish for thinking this way, but I can't help but think I did something wrong. Maybe I was too forceful when I asked if the deal was still one? Maybe she thought I was something else. 

I don't even know what I was thinking. 

I agreed to try being FWBs with two girls and both ended badly. One turned out to be engaged and hasn't texted me in weeks, even though she was so excited about it. Maybe she realized it was a bad idea. Who knows. But I lost a friend with that and never even got the chance at benefits with her. 

Amber getting what she wants? That's a crazy thought. I want a cool friendship with casual sex involved. I thought I had finally found it when Logan but then she changes her mind. Every hope I seem to have for relationships always seem to get crushed or twisted in some shape that I can't even recognize. 

Every girl I like turns out to be straight or in a relationship.

Everyone I kiss have a different idea of what it could be. 

Even some friends don't seem to care for me. Sure, I'll buy you lunch, listen to all your problems, and tell the teacher you're here even though you're still stuck in traffic. But heaven forbid you do the same, or even tell me the homework we had the day I was absent.

I feel like a selfish prick for saying this. I can't help how I feel though. I want to feel important sometimes. I want things to go my way for once and for the relationships I've agreed to actually work. 

Sometimes I just want to have casual sex. Sometimes I just want to cry on someone's shoulder. Sometimes I just want someone to give me my homework so I don't get behind in class. 

Is it selfish to want that?

Fluff Hurts

It seems so fucking pathetic to cry while reading fanfiction.

I don’t even cry over the sad fanfictions where the lovers are torn apart by an unfaithful accident or disease. Stories of my favorite character having their loved ones run off and their hearts broken can make me cry but not give me an unbelievably hard tug in my heart and cause me to sob uncontrollably.

It’s fluff fanfiction that makes me cry. The ones with young lovers stealing kisses and holding hands, picturing their futures together but being too shy to talk about them yet. 

The ones where they wake up early on cold mornings and cuddle next to their love. Where they play like children and kiss like hungry lovers. They draw on each other’s faces and jump on the bed at three in the morning. They make pancakes and noon and get flour everywhere. Where they ride the Ferris Wheel and kiss in front of the city, too high for anyone to see. The fanfictions where they go into town, run down the streets holding hands, in and out of shops looking for nothing because they already have all the would want. 

Those are the ones that make me cry.

Why should such happy and lovely fanfictions bring tears to my eyes? Why should they make a sniveling mess and sob into my pillow until my lungs ache and my throat is raw? Why do they leave me with such an empty feeling like my heart had just been pulled out?

Because I am a pathetic fool who gets jealous of fictional characters.

Maybe it’s not weird to get jealous over fictional characters. Everyone does it. They get the life we want, whether it’s full of adventure, money, or love. They get the happy endings we long for. Fictional characters have more fun than anyone could ever wish to have. The best part is everything ends on a good note for them while we keep on going and reach for another book and watch another show.

It’s probably not unusual to want the relationship two fictional characters have together. But crying over it and longing for it is something else. 

I don’t want to be in a relationship with those characters. I don’t have that big of a crush on one of them that I cry whenever I read about them with someone else. No, I just want what they have. 

I want someone to fall asleep next to and hold her all night and all morning. I want to make pancakes or waffles with her. I want to play in the snow with her, throwing snowballs at each other’s faces until we fell on the cold ground. I want to steal kisses from her in the middle of Burger King and leave hickies in places only she’ll be able to see. 

I want to text her at three in the morning and go to Denny’s in our pajamas because why the hell not. We’re young and crazy and in love. We’re planning our futures but have no idea where our lives are heading or what will happen tomorrow, let alone five years from now. 

I don’t just want a first love. I want someone who can make me feel loved and I can return the feeling to. I want to treat a girl like a princess and let her know I love her and care for her more than I have every cared for anyone. I want to cry into her shoulder and kiss her face and feel so lucky that I have someone so amazing in my life.

I want a relationship that feels like a first love even though it may not be. Where every kiss always feels like the first with the butterflies and the tingle that stays on your lips. I want one with promises that stick and hope that doesn’t fade. I want it to always feel young and crazy even when we’ve settled down and started doing taxes and looking for a dog. 

I want what fictional characters have. I want their relationship and they’re promises that always stay. So when I read fanfiction about two characters falling in love it makes my heart tug and wish for something like that. 

I may still sound reasonable. Although when I start crying over smutty fanfictions because the characters feel so loved and happy while they’re being pounded into, that’s when I really feel like I have a problem. 

-- Amber

Questions I Could Never Ask You

How have you been? Are you feeling well? How are your grades? Math still causing you problems? Are your parents well? Have you seen any great movies lately? 

What have you done since I last talked to you? Anything interesting? Have you been on any adventures? Read a good book, stolen a street sign, gone skinny dipping? Have you kissed anyone since you kissed me? Have you wanted to? 

Did you have a good Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted? Were you planning on getting me something? Do you know I was going to give you candy and a painted picture from your favorite movie? Did you know I ate all the candy and tore up the picture?

When you broke up with me, did you cry about it? Or did you feel better? Did you feel bad for not calling or telling me in person? Did your fingers slip on the keyboard as you wrote out the letter? Did you hate yourself for ending what I hoped for months? Did you cry the days leading up to it? Do you regret what you did? Do you regret even saying yes?

Did your hands tremble and your eyes water when you wrote the apology note? Or was it a last minute idea that you wrote at the end of the class period when you finished your work or while the teacher was giving a lecture because you felt guilty for just saying goodbye and then going back as if nothing had happened? Did someone give you a full bag of Skittles? Did you feel it was necessary to give me half a bag of candy when you gave me the note?

How would you feel if you knew I crumbled up the note? That I tossed it in my backpack and threw all my books on top of it? That I nearly cried at my locker while reading it? That I did cry in my car once I finally made it? That any hope I had of it being fixed was gone after that?

Do you know how much I miss you? That I can’t bear to be around you and act like things are normal? How could things be normal after I told you all my feelings? How can you expect me to go back to being friends with no feelings for one another?  

Have you noticed I don’t talk to you as often? That I hardly reply to you? That every day, I talk to you less and less because I can’t get over everything I feel for you and that you know it? I can’t take my feelings back or every word I ever told you, so how can you expect me to go on as normal? Do you hate me for doing it? Do you wish I’d talk to you more? Are you worried I’ll ruin this friendship?

Do you know how much I regret everything? That I regret asking you out and telling you how wonderful you are and how much I care about and how long I’ve cared. I regret kissing you and trying to help you and feeling horrible when you didn’t talk to me.  I hate that when I see you in the hallway or you talk to me, I get angry and sad and won’t talk to you.

Are you going to read this? If you do, I regret writing this. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. I don’t want you to hate me more than you do.

-- Amber