Relationships and the Pain They Cause

So the girl I agreed to have a friend's with benefits thing with told me she can't and said she'd offer me only friendship. Friendship is great and I'm okay with it and I'll continue talking to her because we get along well, but I still feel upset that she had to call the deal off before it even began.

She found me on Facebook. Did she see some pictures that didn't concentrate on my face and changed her mind about wanting to have sex. Maybe she decided, nevermind, I don't want a fat girl. I want someone who's thinner with less acne. 

God, I feel so selfish for thinking this way, but I can't help but think I did something wrong. Maybe I was too forceful when I asked if the deal was still one? Maybe she thought I was something else. 

I don't even know what I was thinking. 

I agreed to try being FWBs with two girls and both ended badly. One turned out to be engaged and hasn't texted me in weeks, even though she was so excited about it. Maybe she realized it was a bad idea. Who knows. But I lost a friend with that and never even got the chance at benefits with her. 

Amber getting what she wants? That's a crazy thought. I want a cool friendship with casual sex involved. I thought I had finally found it when Logan but then she changes her mind. Every hope I seem to have for relationships always seem to get crushed or twisted in some shape that I can't even recognize. 

Every girl I like turns out to be straight or in a relationship.

Everyone I kiss have a different idea of what it could be. 

Even some friends don't seem to care for me. Sure, I'll buy you lunch, listen to all your problems, and tell the teacher you're here even though you're still stuck in traffic. But heaven forbid you do the same, or even tell me the homework we had the day I was absent.

I feel like a selfish prick for saying this. I can't help how I feel though. I want to feel important sometimes. I want things to go my way for once and for the relationships I've agreed to actually work. 

Sometimes I just want to have casual sex. Sometimes I just want to cry on someone's shoulder. Sometimes I just want someone to give me my homework so I don't get behind in class. 

Is it selfish to want that?

Let Me Be the Bad Guy

Let me be the bad guy.

I will be more than happy to be the one to wreck havoc on the city. I'll fight for evil and try to rid all the good from the world. I'll build death rays and make plans to destroy and rule the world. I will tease and torture people. I'll steal candy from babies, have a torture dungeon in my basement, and hurt the innocent without an ounce of guilt.

I don't want you to regret what you did because I was good to you. Stop thinking of me being nice girl you hurt. I keep reminding you of what you did, I keep making you feel guilty. Don't trust me. Don't care for me. I hurt you and I continue to do so by separating myself from you. Think of me as an evil demon, scrolling through the woods and killing all the goodness I find.

Stop picturing me as a beautiful creature with love in my heart that you hurt. Let me be evil, a monster under your bed, feeding off innocent screams. Make me a monster in your mind. Think of me as juts that-- an evil villain who treated you as just another victim.

Don't be guilty because you hurt me. Be mad I made you feel guilty. Let all of this be my fault. I'm more than happy to take the blame.

It won't be so bad being a villain. I can wear a cool cape and inventions. I can work in secrecy until I start to gain control. I can change the rules for the better. I can make the world a better, happier world.

Let me be the villain in your mind. You can be just another victim I hurt. You can be my enemy. You can be my friend who you have suspicions of. You can be anything you wish as long as you stop feeling guilty for hurting me.

I hurt you. I tried to make beauty ugly. I tried to hurt the good. I'm not forgiving, I'm not beautiful, I'm not someone you can feel guilty for hurting. I hurt you with no mercy and will do it again to every new beautiful person who enters my life.

That's what villains do.

-- Amber