Relationships and the Pain They Cause

So the girl I agreed to have a friend's with benefits thing with told me she can't and said she'd offer me only friendship. Friendship is great and I'm okay with it and I'll continue talking to her because we get along well, but I still feel upset that she had to call the deal off before it even began.

She found me on Facebook. Did she see some pictures that didn't concentrate on my face and changed her mind about wanting to have sex. Maybe she decided, nevermind, I don't want a fat girl. I want someone who's thinner with less acne. 

God, I feel so selfish for thinking this way, but I can't help but think I did something wrong. Maybe I was too forceful when I asked if the deal was still one? Maybe she thought I was something else. 

I don't even know what I was thinking. 

I agreed to try being FWBs with two girls and both ended badly. One turned out to be engaged and hasn't texted me in weeks, even though she was so excited about it. Maybe she realized it was a bad idea. Who knows. But I lost a friend with that and never even got the chance at benefits with her. 

Amber getting what she wants? That's a crazy thought. I want a cool friendship with casual sex involved. I thought I had finally found it when Logan but then she changes her mind. Every hope I seem to have for relationships always seem to get crushed or twisted in some shape that I can't even recognize. 

Every girl I like turns out to be straight or in a relationship.

Everyone I kiss have a different idea of what it could be. 

Even some friends don't seem to care for me. Sure, I'll buy you lunch, listen to all your problems, and tell the teacher you're here even though you're still stuck in traffic. But heaven forbid you do the same, or even tell me the homework we had the day I was absent.

I feel like a selfish prick for saying this. I can't help how I feel though. I want to feel important sometimes. I want things to go my way for once and for the relationships I've agreed to actually work. 

Sometimes I just want to have casual sex. Sometimes I just want to cry on someone's shoulder. Sometimes I just want someone to give me my homework so I don't get behind in class. 

Is it selfish to want that?

Dreams

I dreamed about you last night. 

We were at school and in the journalism room. You were sick and sad and wanted to talk to me. So we stood in the ad room, talking about Attack on Titan and laughing. Everyone who was in the room suddenly disappeared and you looked at me sadly. Your nose was red and your voice was horse as you talked.

"Just because we aren't dating doesn't mean I can't kiss you." You said. And those words keep circling my mind, long after I woke up. I keep wondering, could that happen? 

And then you kissed me. I felt how warm and chapped your lips were. I didn't care about getting sick, it was just a dream anyways, and dream-you didn't seem to care either. My eyes were open during the kiss and I saw how stressed and worried you seemed to be with your eyes squeezed shut. 

I pulled away in shock, surprised at what you had done. I'm pretty sure the kiss was really just my dog licking my face, but that didn't matter. I woke up shocked that my feelings and thoughts were still there. At the same time, I was happy that I got to experience one last dream of you.

I have no idea why you were sick or why I had to dream about kissing you right then. Maybe the face that it was the night before Valentine's Day brought it up. Maybe my still-there feelings for you decided to show me that this could happen, if things were better. Maybe this is a farewell to my feelings for you. Maybe my brain just wanted to laugh at me for how I felt. 

Whatever the reason, it happened. I hope I don't see you today because I probably won't be able to say a word without blushing and stuttering. Maybe if I'm lucky, you'll run through the halls without even glancing at me. 

I hope you enjoy the candy gram I got you and hope you have a great Valentine's Day as well.

-- Amber