I'm Free

Last week, I finally did it.

It took me almost an entire year.

But I got over you.

The first person I fell in love with. The first person I made all those promises to. The girl I planned my future around-- I'm finally over you.

I'm no longer trying to find someone to take your place. I'm not trying to fill the hole you had left. I'm no longer searching for a missing piece.

I'm full again.

It happened to suddenly. I was walking through the hallways to my locker. And I realized it. There's no longer a want to be with someone. No wishes or hopes for you to come back. You're living your life and I'm living mine.

I'm over you.

I can live with my solitude for a while. Maybe one day, I'll find someone else. But that'll be far from now.

Right now, I'm happy knowing I did it. I got over the rough feelings and broken heart. I'm going to enjoy being my single self. And pat myself on the back because I did what I thought was impossible. 

Friendships and Love

I am in absolute love with my friend.

I can practically hear you letting out a huge sigh of annoyance. Another girl claiming to be in love with her friend, you think. But no, that’s not what I’m talking about.

I don’t fantasize about kissing her or having sex with her. I’d love to hold her hand and hug her and hell, even snuggle with her. But I don’t want to kiss her unless we’re both drunk and desperate. To me, kissing her would be like kissing a sister. I know I live in Arkansas, but I’m not into that stuff.

Johanna—Or as I like to call her, Joe—is probably my closest friend. My best friend even. She knows more about me than anyone else and I trust her with all my secrets. I love her to death, but I don’t want to sleep with her. We talk about our crushes, and she has a beautiful girlfriend. I don’t get jealous over the fact that she’s with her. I’m extremely happy that they’re happy together and will kill the girl if she does anything to hurt Joe.

The worse part about our friendship is that she is thousands of miles away from me. She is literally on the other side of the planet in Finland. Ball freezing Finland.

When I’m getting ready for bed, she’s getting ready for school. It’s fucking crazy.

Somehow, in the year we've known each other, we've managed to make a routine so it works. Because of the time difference, we've saved our conversations for weekends only. If we tried to do it on school nights, one or both of us will be losing sleep. Since we’re both practically sloths, we agreed that was a bad idea.

Let’s go back to my love for Joe. We like to torture each other by sending creepy videos and pictures and fanfiction. It’s messed up and sometimes awkward and gross to do, but we feel that if one has to face the pain, the other should too and then we can go on talking about how messed up it was. We talk about sex and relationships and ex-girlfriends and our OTPs and everything in between.

I told her that when we meet, we’re going to run in slow motion into a big huge. Preferably at Comic-Con. She likes the idea, mostly because Comic Con.

Joe is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. She’s funny and is an amazing cosplayer and is great and keeping secrets and shares the same interests as me. She’s stubborn and crazy and has a bad habit of pushing people away. We’re able to find each other’s imperfections but goddamn, I love Joe so much because of her imperfections.

I don’t have an idea of her, I know her. I know how messed up she can be and the bad things she can do. Maybe that’s why I love her so much. She’s not perfect and never tried to be. From the very beginning, I've known she was lazy, reckless, and beyond imperfect.

There’s not really a point to this rambling post. I just want to share my love for Joe and show anyone who reads it that love isn't always a red string tied to your finger (See here for context). Sometimes it’s a pink or green or blue or plain white tied to the finger of you and your friend. Love isn't just something that can lead to marriage. Sometimes, it’s friendship.

It’s a different kind of love that no one gives much credit for. It’s all about romance and marriage. Why can’t we just have friends who we love with all our heart? Why can’t we tell them this without it being awkward?

Love your friends, don't fight the love, and them know how much you care about them. 

-          --  Amber.

Let Me Be the Bad Guy

Let me be the bad guy.

I will be more than happy to be the one to wreck havoc on the city. I'll fight for evil and try to rid all the good from the world. I'll build death rays and make plans to destroy and rule the world. I will tease and torture people. I'll steal candy from babies, have a torture dungeon in my basement, and hurt the innocent without an ounce of guilt.

I don't want you to regret what you did because I was good to you. Stop thinking of me being nice girl you hurt. I keep reminding you of what you did, I keep making you feel guilty. Don't trust me. Don't care for me. I hurt you and I continue to do so by separating myself from you. Think of me as an evil demon, scrolling through the woods and killing all the goodness I find.

Stop picturing me as a beautiful creature with love in my heart that you hurt. Let me be evil, a monster under your bed, feeding off innocent screams. Make me a monster in your mind. Think of me as juts that-- an evil villain who treated you as just another victim.

Don't be guilty because you hurt me. Be mad I made you feel guilty. Let all of this be my fault. I'm more than happy to take the blame.

It won't be so bad being a villain. I can wear a cool cape and inventions. I can work in secrecy until I start to gain control. I can change the rules for the better. I can make the world a better, happier world.

Let me be the villain in your mind. You can be just another victim I hurt. You can be my enemy. You can be my friend who you have suspicions of. You can be anything you wish as long as you stop feeling guilty for hurting me.

I hurt you. I tried to make beauty ugly. I tried to hurt the good. I'm not forgiving, I'm not beautiful, I'm not someone you can feel guilty for hurting. I hurt you with no mercy and will do it again to every new beautiful person who enters my life.

That's what villains do.

-- Amber

Questions I Could Never Ask You

How have you been? Are you feeling well? How are your grades? Math still causing you problems? Are your parents well? Have you seen any great movies lately? 

What have you done since I last talked to you? Anything interesting? Have you been on any adventures? Read a good book, stolen a street sign, gone skinny dipping? Have you kissed anyone since you kissed me? Have you wanted to? 

Did you have a good Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted? Were you planning on getting me something? Do you know I was going to give you candy and a painted picture from your favorite movie? Did you know I ate all the candy and tore up the picture?

When you broke up with me, did you cry about it? Or did you feel better? Did you feel bad for not calling or telling me in person? Did your fingers slip on the keyboard as you wrote out the letter? Did you hate yourself for ending what I hoped for months? Did you cry the days leading up to it? Do you regret what you did? Do you regret even saying yes?

Did your hands tremble and your eyes water when you wrote the apology note? Or was it a last minute idea that you wrote at the end of the class period when you finished your work or while the teacher was giving a lecture because you felt guilty for just saying goodbye and then going back as if nothing had happened? Did someone give you a full bag of Skittles? Did you feel it was necessary to give me half a bag of candy when you gave me the note?

How would you feel if you knew I crumbled up the note? That I tossed it in my backpack and threw all my books on top of it? That I nearly cried at my locker while reading it? That I did cry in my car once I finally made it? That any hope I had of it being fixed was gone after that?

Do you know how much I miss you? That I can’t bear to be around you and act like things are normal? How could things be normal after I told you all my feelings? How can you expect me to go back to being friends with no feelings for one another?  

Have you noticed I don’t talk to you as often? That I hardly reply to you? That every day, I talk to you less and less because I can’t get over everything I feel for you and that you know it? I can’t take my feelings back or every word I ever told you, so how can you expect me to go on as normal? Do you hate me for doing it? Do you wish I’d talk to you more? Are you worried I’ll ruin this friendship?

Do you know how much I regret everything? That I regret asking you out and telling you how wonderful you are and how much I care about and how long I’ve cared. I regret kissing you and trying to help you and feeling horrible when you didn’t talk to me.  I hate that when I see you in the hallway or you talk to me, I get angry and sad and won’t talk to you.

Are you going to read this? If you do, I regret writing this. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. I don’t want you to hate me more than you do.

-- Amber