Questions I Could Never Ask You

How have you been? Are you feeling well? How are your grades? Math still causing you problems? Are your parents well? Have you seen any great movies lately? 

What have you done since I last talked to you? Anything interesting? Have you been on any adventures? Read a good book, stolen a street sign, gone skinny dipping? Have you kissed anyone since you kissed me? Have you wanted to? 

Did you have a good Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted? Were you planning on getting me something? Do you know I was going to give you candy and a painted picture from your favorite movie? Did you know I ate all the candy and tore up the picture?

When you broke up with me, did you cry about it? Or did you feel better? Did you feel bad for not calling or telling me in person? Did your fingers slip on the keyboard as you wrote out the letter? Did you hate yourself for ending what I hoped for months? Did you cry the days leading up to it? Do you regret what you did? Do you regret even saying yes?

Did your hands tremble and your eyes water when you wrote the apology note? Or was it a last minute idea that you wrote at the end of the class period when you finished your work or while the teacher was giving a lecture because you felt guilty for just saying goodbye and then going back as if nothing had happened? Did someone give you a full bag of Skittles? Did you feel it was necessary to give me half a bag of candy when you gave me the note?

How would you feel if you knew I crumbled up the note? That I tossed it in my backpack and threw all my books on top of it? That I nearly cried at my locker while reading it? That I did cry in my car once I finally made it? That any hope I had of it being fixed was gone after that?

Do you know how much I miss you? That I can’t bear to be around you and act like things are normal? How could things be normal after I told you all my feelings? How can you expect me to go back to being friends with no feelings for one another?  

Have you noticed I don’t talk to you as often? That I hardly reply to you? That every day, I talk to you less and less because I can’t get over everything I feel for you and that you know it? I can’t take my feelings back or every word I ever told you, so how can you expect me to go on as normal? Do you hate me for doing it? Do you wish I’d talk to you more? Are you worried I’ll ruin this friendship?

Do you know how much I regret everything? That I regret asking you out and telling you how wonderful you are and how much I care about and how long I’ve cared. I regret kissing you and trying to help you and feeling horrible when you didn’t talk to me.  I hate that when I see you in the hallway or you talk to me, I get angry and sad and won’t talk to you.

Are you going to read this? If you do, I regret writing this. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. I don’t want you to hate me more than you do.

-- Amber