Death

I've planned my death.

That's an absolutely depressing way to start a post. I don't mean I have everything planned. I don't know when I'll die, or what exactly will kill me. I have no idea where I'll do it. I just know how it'll happen. 

I know that, most likely, I'm going to die in a car accident. I don't know whether this will be on my own terms, someone else's, the weathers, or alcohols, but I know that I'll die this way. I've known this since last year when I had to fight every day not to drive myself over a hill or into another car.

What stopped me from doing it then? Mostly, I worried about what my parents would think. Would they think I was weak and killed myself? Would they get upset for having to pay for insurance? What would my little brother do? 

I don't even want to think about my little brother having to live without his big sister. He looks up to me so much. If I died, I feared what he'd do.

Even though I stopped having to fight an urge, I still wonder sometimes when I'm driving. 

What would happen if I drove my car off a cliff on the way to school? How long would it be before they found me? Would my journalism class continue as normal to finish before deadline? Would the crash even kill me or would I just be injured and forced to pay for the damage? 

So many questions, none of which can be answered unless I try it.

Don't worry though, I'm not going to try it. If I tried now, I'd miss so much. Graduation, my first day of college. I'd never marry a pretty girl or be a mother. I'd never get the chance to have a baby girl who I can remind every day is beautiful and strong. I will never have a book published, I'll never live to be a starving artist. I'll never travel the world or visit my internet friends in person. There's so much I'll miss that I can't bare to.

One day, I will die. Everyone dies one day, so it's not like that's a surprise. Although I hope it could be in my sleep with no pain, I know it'll be a car driving into something. I just hope that when the day comes, the only person to be injured will be me. I want no one in my car with me, just me with death in the passenger seat.

Such a scary way to die. I hope it'll be like a roller coaster, but with a drop that never ends.

-Amber