Driving in the Night

I drove to Wal-Mart the other night to pick up a binder. At first, it was comforting to drive through the darkness. Very few street lights shined the roads and no cars passed me. There was no noise, just the soft sound of my radio and the wind outside. Driving there, I was comforted and relaxed in the solitude of the night.

I hurried in and back to my car, ready to leave the brightness of the town and the chatter of the people and go back down the silent road. There was no one in my lane in the parking lot. No one coming or going. So I pressed my foot on the gas peddle.

Harder.

And harder.

I was speeding in a parking lot, nearing almost thirty miles in just five seconds. It was too fast, but I didn't step on the breaks. My eyes locked with the end of the road, at the McDonald's in front of me. And I wondered as I sped up, what would happen if I didn't stop? What would happen if I just kept on driving...

I slammed on the breaks before I could hit the short road that would lead me to the main road. I realized what I was doing, what would have happened if I didn't stop.

Oh god. What was I doing? I thought.

I noticed some lights behind me and forced myself not to stop right there. I drove the short road, still connected to the parking lot. I went to the emptier side, the spot where mostly the workers and garage attendants were.

And then I tried again. Faster this time. No cars, longer road, a fence at the end that could stop me. Don't stop, I thought.

I stopped close to the curb. I couldn't do it. I was such a coward, but I'm fucking happy to be a coward. I don't want to be brave if bravery involves crashing.

I had to leave the darkness. No matter how comforting it was, it left me wanting to drive faster and see what would happen if I happened if I didn't stop. It left my palms sweaty and butterflies float in my stomach.

The night time has always left a subtle sense of fright that I found interesting. But at that moment, I didn't need the fear, I needed the comfort and the relaxed feeling I got while driving with the radio turned up loud.

I drove home quickly, not too fast, yet not too slow, avoiding all the cars around me and keeping a close eye on the speedometer.

I didn't enjoy the night time. I didn't enjoy driving.

I didn't enjoy anything on my ride home.

Now is not the time to allow those kinds of feelings back into my life.

To You

I'm sorry. Things are over, done with, and I keep bringing up in.

In my writing, my words, my posts, I keep reminding you that I'm not happy about what happened. I wish there was a way I could turn back time. I wish a little blue box will come by and take me back in time so I can warn myself not to do it.

Don't fall for the girl obsessed with video games. Fight the urges you have to talk to her all the time. Let your feelings grow on the girl who tastes of cigarettes, not her. Enjoy the friendship of the girl you met on tumblr. Don't grow attached to her.

But I did. And unfortunately, there is no way to turn back time.

And every time I mention even once that it's hard to go back to just friends, you somehow end up hearing it and I continue to hurt you and guilt you without wanting to. It's the last I want to do.
I'm so sorry for everything.

From this day forth, I plan to continue as your friend. I'm not moving on, although I know there are people who can help me do it. My feelings will still be there, but I will not dread on them. I'll ignore them as best as I can, just as I did for months.

I've done it before. I can do it again.

I'm sorry for hurting you. For guilt-tripping you. For everything I have ever done.

- Amber.