Good Girl

I've been a good girl.

I've held my tongue. I've avoiding saying anything that could sound even slightly flirtatious. I've avoided giving compliments and telling you you look nice even when you say you don't. I kept my word and stayed your friend, never trying to advance from that or hint that I'd like to.

I was upset that I became the girl you disappointed. I hate that that's what I'm referred to as. You never disappointed me. I was incredibly upset, but I was happy to return back to friendship. The feelings, I thought, would eventually fade away. I can do it.

I thought I was doing great. I thought I managed to push back the feelings. I've managed to talk to you without trouble and enjoyed talking to you about everything. I was doing great. Your occasional blog post where I was mentioned sometimes hurt. Sometimes they brought back the feeling I've been trying to hide. But I kept them down like a good girl should.

Then you made a joke about how you were going to break my heart. And I knew that it was a reference to my friend breaking my heart with a ship and that you were going to do it with another one. A part of me wanted to type "Again?" but I held back. I didn't want to ruin what we've managed. I didn't want to hurt you.

It wouldn't even be true. I'd be telling a lie if I said that. I wasn't in love with you and I wasn't heartbroken. Not really. I know what heartbroken feels like and that was not it. A broken heart shakes your whole body and makes everything hurt. Every step you make alone hurts and even thinking of a word they said at one point makes it hurt. It makes you not wanting to do anything except drink until the pain becomes numb. It's pain and it hurts like crazy and you just want to fix it but there's no way to do it. There is no special glue or tape that can fix up a broken heart. You can't think of anything that can fix it so you just cry and lay down and read through the last messages you sent to them.

I didn't go through that with you, my dear. I got drunk the night it happened. I had a video chat with my friend who disapproved of what I was doing. But to me, drinking was a much better than laying around and crying. I passed out in my bed and woke up on the other side. Then I avoided you. I went offline on Skype and refused to send you any messages.

And when school started up, I prayed you wouldn't come in during lunch because I couldn't deal with being in the same room as you just yet. But when you didn't, I held back from having an attack or crying in the middle of class. I ruined a friendship and that was horrible to me.

But we've made it. We've worked it up. Now you're my friend who I trust enough to tell about my favorite pair of underwear and my sexual experiences. I'm happy about this, you know. I'm happy to call you my friend.

Sometimes, I miss you. I wish I could call you my girlfriend and go to your classes and walk you to your bus and kiss you again. But I'm more okay with bumping into you in the hallway while you're leaving and sending you messages and pictures. I'm happy with friendship.

So I just wrote, "ok" and continued watching the show.

Yesterday, I realized I haven't logged into Skype on my phone in a long time. And when I did, I remembered why. The messages haven't loaded since December. We were still called each other cute and perfect and it made me so sad.

I deleted Skype from my phone.

Because I am a good girl. I leave the past in the past as I should. I ignore feelings and concentrate on other's rather than myself. For you, I would do anything you asked of me.

For as long as you want me to be, I will be your friend.

-- Amber