Fluff Hurts

It seems so fucking pathetic to cry while reading fanfiction.

I don’t even cry over the sad fanfictions where the lovers are torn apart by an unfaithful accident or disease. Stories of my favorite character having their loved ones run off and their hearts broken can make me cry but not give me an unbelievably hard tug in my heart and cause me to sob uncontrollably.

It’s fluff fanfiction that makes me cry. The ones with young lovers stealing kisses and holding hands, picturing their futures together but being too shy to talk about them yet. 

The ones where they wake up early on cold mornings and cuddle next to their love. Where they play like children and kiss like hungry lovers. They draw on each other’s faces and jump on the bed at three in the morning. They make pancakes and noon and get flour everywhere. Where they ride the Ferris Wheel and kiss in front of the city, too high for anyone to see. The fanfictions where they go into town, run down the streets holding hands, in and out of shops looking for nothing because they already have all the would want. 

Those are the ones that make me cry.

Why should such happy and lovely fanfictions bring tears to my eyes? Why should they make a sniveling mess and sob into my pillow until my lungs ache and my throat is raw? Why do they leave me with such an empty feeling like my heart had just been pulled out?

Because I am a pathetic fool who gets jealous of fictional characters.

Maybe it’s not weird to get jealous over fictional characters. Everyone does it. They get the life we want, whether it’s full of adventure, money, or love. They get the happy endings we long for. Fictional characters have more fun than anyone could ever wish to have. The best part is everything ends on a good note for them while we keep on going and reach for another book and watch another show.

It’s probably not unusual to want the relationship two fictional characters have together. But crying over it and longing for it is something else. 

I don’t want to be in a relationship with those characters. I don’t have that big of a crush on one of them that I cry whenever I read about them with someone else. No, I just want what they have. 

I want someone to fall asleep next to and hold her all night and all morning. I want to make pancakes or waffles with her. I want to play in the snow with her, throwing snowballs at each other’s faces until we fell on the cold ground. I want to steal kisses from her in the middle of Burger King and leave hickies in places only she’ll be able to see. 

I want to text her at three in the morning and go to Denny’s in our pajamas because why the hell not. We’re young and crazy and in love. We’re planning our futures but have no idea where our lives are heading or what will happen tomorrow, let alone five years from now. 

I don’t just want a first love. I want someone who can make me feel loved and I can return the feeling to. I want to treat a girl like a princess and let her know I love her and care for her more than I have every cared for anyone. I want to cry into her shoulder and kiss her face and feel so lucky that I have someone so amazing in my life.

I want a relationship that feels like a first love even though it may not be. Where every kiss always feels like the first with the butterflies and the tingle that stays on your lips. I want one with promises that stick and hope that doesn’t fade. I want it to always feel young and crazy even when we’ve settled down and started doing taxes and looking for a dog. 

I want what fictional characters have. I want their relationship and they’re promises that always stay. So when I read fanfiction about two characters falling in love it makes my heart tug and wish for something like that. 

I may still sound reasonable. Although when I start crying over smutty fanfictions because the characters feel so loved and happy while they’re being pounded into, that’s when I really feel like I have a problem. 

-- Amber