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The worse part is that even now I still feel like I'm overreacting.

You made me feel so uncomfortable, Chris. But tomorrow, I'll get up and shower and eat breakfast and pet my dogs without you on my mind. If you come up in a conversation, I'll tell my parents how weird and creepy you were as usual. I'll laugh and talk about movies and TV shows.

It was just an experiment, Chris. I really didn't like you. And I feel bad for saying this but it's true.

I still wish I knew how to say no to you better.

It's sad to think that you were my longest relationship.

Even sadder to think that it barely lasted a month. 

Fuck You

Fuck you, Chris.

Yes, I'm using your goddamn name in this. There are millions of Chris's in the world. It doesn't matter if I use your name or not.

But seriously, Chris. Just fuck you. Fuck you hard and slow in the ass with a cactus. You forced yourself into my life. You guilt-tripped me into saying yes when you asked me out. You bugged me for days before I said okay. You used pretty words and lies to get me to kiss you in those woods. When I said I was uncomfortable, you took that as an invitation to kiss me and touch me even more. 

I was too shy and too nice to say no. You were just an experiment for me. Someone I can test my sexuality with. Not someone I wanted to give myself to.

Chris, you scared me. The stories you made up were weird and creepy. The drugs you did only made it worse. I didn't want to get in the back seat with you. I didn't want you to kiss me or put your hands on or in me.

But I let you. Because the uncomfortable feelings were worth the experimentation. People telling me we were a cute couple and making cute couple jokes about us was worth it. Feeling like someone actually cared about me was worth the moments of uncomfortableness.

After I broke up with you, you wormed your way back into my friend group. You tried to get back with me but claiming your love to our friends. Even then, I was too shy to say no. Even with someone I openly disliked, someone who freaked me out and scared me. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't-- I still don't-- want to hurt anyone.

I kept quiet then and ignored you until you dropped it. But you still stuck around. You made small threats, some my closest friend didn't even notice. You mentioned you knew how to make a bomb while looking at me. You came to lunch high (at least I hope you were high) and started talking about flipping the table over so it'd hit me. It scared me. I literally thought about telling the police, especially after you said you wanted to shoot everyone in the school.

But I kept quiet. Because I was obviously overreacting. I didn't want to get involved in something that wasn't true. I didn't want to hurt anyone.

You told me you were a half-vampire, and I still tell people about that. You told me you fought demons and believed you were a clone at some point. Those stories were weird, but mostly they creeped me out. They worried me about what went on in your head. If someone could seriously believe in stuff like that, what else could he do?

For years, Chris, I told myself that I didn't regret it. But thinking about it now makes my skin crawl. And, fuck, you made me so uncomfortable around men. I can't even be near my father or grandfather without being nervous or scared.

I regret saying yes to you. I regret you being my first kiss. I regret you being the first person to touch me. I would have been much happier if it was my first girlfriend, or even the first girl I ever kissed. Neither one of them pushed like you did. They never used sweet words or guilt trips.

I suppose it wasn't too bad. You helped me realize who I am. But what it did to me is the whole reason why I hate you.

The only thing I don't regret is leaving you before you could convince me to have sex. The last thing I want is to have given my entire self to you.

Next Thursday, before I leave for college, I'm going to hug my granddad big and tell him I love him. I'm going to feel uncomfortable when he kisses my cheek. When I pull away, all I'm going to think about is how much I hate you for this.

And how much I hate myself for not realizing what you did to me until now. It wasn't experimentation. It was me being too shy and you refusing to accept what "I don't want to do this" and "I'm uncomfortable with that" means.

I hate you, Chris.

Fuck you.

Purge

I wish I could just purge.

Just open my mouth and let everything spill out of me.

Because right now, I feel so full, and it's not of good stuff. There's too much stress, anger, love, guilt, fear, and everything in between inside. I just want it all gone. So I could stop this shaking and stop itching my skin and stop wishing for a better tomorrow and an emptier body.

A few months ago, all I wanted was to be full. But now I realize being full hurts. I'm full off too much feeling and emotions, some good some bad. What am I supposed to do with love that isn't returned? With fear that won't go away?

The feelings and words I want to drip out one at a time will never have the chance to. She won't listen to me. He won't stop lurking in the dark. They won't stop laughing-- they won't stop cheering-- they won't stop sharing-- they won't stop joking-- they won't fucking stop.

I just want them to stop.

I want it to stop.

I constantly feel sick. I'm always shaking and stressing and want to just rip open my skin and purge and let every word they won't let me say and every feeling they won't let me stop feeling be free.

I feel so full. Full of stress and guilt and anger and fear and love.

And I hate it so much. 

I'm Free

Last week, I finally did it.

It took me almost an entire year.

But I got over you.

The first person I fell in love with. The first person I made all those promises to. The girl I planned my future around-- I'm finally over you.

I'm no longer trying to find someone to take your place. I'm not trying to fill the hole you had left. I'm no longer searching for a missing piece.

I'm full again.

It happened to suddenly. I was walking through the hallways to my locker. And I realized it. There's no longer a want to be with someone. No wishes or hopes for you to come back. You're living your life and I'm living mine.

I'm over you.

I can live with my solitude for a while. Maybe one day, I'll find someone else. But that'll be far from now.

Right now, I'm happy knowing I did it. I got over the rough feelings and broken heart. I'm going to enjoy being my single self. And pat myself on the back because I did what I thought was impossible. 

Friendships and Love

I am in absolute love with my friend.

I can practically hear you letting out a huge sigh of annoyance. Another girl claiming to be in love with her friend, you think. But no, that’s not what I’m talking about.

I don’t fantasize about kissing her or having sex with her. I’d love to hold her hand and hug her and hell, even snuggle with her. But I don’t want to kiss her unless we’re both drunk and desperate. To me, kissing her would be like kissing a sister. I know I live in Arkansas, but I’m not into that stuff.

Johanna—Or as I like to call her, Joe—is probably my closest friend. My best friend even. She knows more about me than anyone else and I trust her with all my secrets. I love her to death, but I don’t want to sleep with her. We talk about our crushes, and she has a beautiful girlfriend. I don’t get jealous over the fact that she’s with her. I’m extremely happy that they’re happy together and will kill the girl if she does anything to hurt Joe.

The worse part about our friendship is that she is thousands of miles away from me. She is literally on the other side of the planet in Finland. Ball freezing Finland.

When I’m getting ready for bed, she’s getting ready for school. It’s fucking crazy.

Somehow, in the year we've known each other, we've managed to make a routine so it works. Because of the time difference, we've saved our conversations for weekends only. If we tried to do it on school nights, one or both of us will be losing sleep. Since we’re both practically sloths, we agreed that was a bad idea.

Let’s go back to my love for Joe. We like to torture each other by sending creepy videos and pictures and fanfiction. It’s messed up and sometimes awkward and gross to do, but we feel that if one has to face the pain, the other should too and then we can go on talking about how messed up it was. We talk about sex and relationships and ex-girlfriends and our OTPs and everything in between.

I told her that when we meet, we’re going to run in slow motion into a big huge. Preferably at Comic-Con. She likes the idea, mostly because Comic Con.

Joe is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. She’s funny and is an amazing cosplayer and is great and keeping secrets and shares the same interests as me. She’s stubborn and crazy and has a bad habit of pushing people away. We’re able to find each other’s imperfections but goddamn, I love Joe so much because of her imperfections.

I don’t have an idea of her, I know her. I know how messed up she can be and the bad things she can do. Maybe that’s why I love her so much. She’s not perfect and never tried to be. From the very beginning, I've known she was lazy, reckless, and beyond imperfect.

There’s not really a point to this rambling post. I just want to share my love for Joe and show anyone who reads it that love isn't always a red string tied to your finger (See here for context). Sometimes it’s a pink or green or blue or plain white tied to the finger of you and your friend. Love isn't just something that can lead to marriage. Sometimes, it’s friendship.

It’s a different kind of love that no one gives much credit for. It’s all about romance and marriage. Why can’t we just have friends who we love with all our heart? Why can’t we tell them this without it being awkward?

Love your friends, don't fight the love, and them know how much you care about them. 

-          --  Amber.

Relationships and the Pain They Cause

So the girl I agreed to have a friend's with benefits thing with told me she can't and said she'd offer me only friendship. Friendship is great and I'm okay with it and I'll continue talking to her because we get along well, but I still feel upset that she had to call the deal off before it even began.

She found me on Facebook. Did she see some pictures that didn't concentrate on my face and changed her mind about wanting to have sex. Maybe she decided, nevermind, I don't want a fat girl. I want someone who's thinner with less acne. 

God, I feel so selfish for thinking this way, but I can't help but think I did something wrong. Maybe I was too forceful when I asked if the deal was still one? Maybe she thought I was something else. 

I don't even know what I was thinking. 

I agreed to try being FWBs with two girls and both ended badly. One turned out to be engaged and hasn't texted me in weeks, even though she was so excited about it. Maybe she realized it was a bad idea. Who knows. But I lost a friend with that and never even got the chance at benefits with her. 

Amber getting what she wants? That's a crazy thought. I want a cool friendship with casual sex involved. I thought I had finally found it when Logan but then she changes her mind. Every hope I seem to have for relationships always seem to get crushed or twisted in some shape that I can't even recognize. 

Every girl I like turns out to be straight or in a relationship.

Everyone I kiss have a different idea of what it could be. 

Even some friends don't seem to care for me. Sure, I'll buy you lunch, listen to all your problems, and tell the teacher you're here even though you're still stuck in traffic. But heaven forbid you do the same, or even tell me the homework we had the day I was absent.

I feel like a selfish prick for saying this. I can't help how I feel though. I want to feel important sometimes. I want things to go my way for once and for the relationships I've agreed to actually work. 

Sometimes I just want to have casual sex. Sometimes I just want to cry on someone's shoulder. Sometimes I just want someone to give me my homework so I don't get behind in class. 

Is it selfish to want that?

Life With a Lisp

Life with a lisp is speech classes and people laughing at the words you say. It’s staying quiet to avoid people repeating your words and laughing. It’s people asking if you have or ever had braces when you never have or an overbite when your teeth are just fine.

It’s people asking you to say ‘Sally sells seashells’ and ‘six slippery snails slid’ so they can get a laugh. It’s never calling Sarah, Sierra, or Sam by their names because you don’t want to disrespect your friend who puts up with you with that drastic letter of the alphabet. 

It’s giving an oral report and losing points because you didn’t speak clearly enough. It’s being told you’re speaking wrong and feeling like you didn’t grow up right because most children with lisps grow out of it. 

But life with a lisp is giving the perfect snake impersonation. It’s letting your mind wonder and create because rather than speaking, you go on an adventure through your thoughts. 

Having a lisp means finding special people who find it cute and never laugh at you when you say ‘someone said I smell like sunflowers’ or ‘sleep keeps us from seeing stars’. It’s being able to figure out which friends to keep close and who’s best left behind.

Life with a lisp has hard times and painful moments but it means you’re different and special. The way you speak doesn’t have to be a speech impediment. How you speak can sound however you want it to be. It’s your voice, your accent, and you can change it however you’d like. 

It’s your voice and it can sound however you want it to be.