Good Girl

I've been a good girl.

I've held my tongue. I've avoiding saying anything that could sound even slightly flirtatious. I've avoided giving compliments and telling you you look nice even when you say you don't. I kept my word and stayed your friend, never trying to advance from that or hint that I'd like to.

I was upset that I became the girl you disappointed. I hate that that's what I'm referred to as. You never disappointed me. I was incredibly upset, but I was happy to return back to friendship. The feelings, I thought, would eventually fade away. I can do it.

I thought I was doing great. I thought I managed to push back the feelings. I've managed to talk to you without trouble and enjoyed talking to you about everything. I was doing great. Your occasional blog post where I was mentioned sometimes hurt. Sometimes they brought back the feeling I've been trying to hide. But I kept them down like a good girl should.

Then you made a joke about how you were going to break my heart. And I knew that it was a reference to my friend breaking my heart with a ship and that you were going to do it with another one. A part of me wanted to type "Again?" but I held back. I didn't want to ruin what we've managed. I didn't want to hurt you.

It wouldn't even be true. I'd be telling a lie if I said that. I wasn't in love with you and I wasn't heartbroken. Not really. I know what heartbroken feels like and that was not it. A broken heart shakes your whole body and makes everything hurt. Every step you make alone hurts and even thinking of a word they said at one point makes it hurt. It makes you not wanting to do anything except drink until the pain becomes numb. It's pain and it hurts like crazy and you just want to fix it but there's no way to do it. There is no special glue or tape that can fix up a broken heart. You can't think of anything that can fix it so you just cry and lay down and read through the last messages you sent to them.

I didn't go through that with you, my dear. I got drunk the night it happened. I had a video chat with my friend who disapproved of what I was doing. But to me, drinking was a much better than laying around and crying. I passed out in my bed and woke up on the other side. Then I avoided you. I went offline on Skype and refused to send you any messages.

And when school started up, I prayed you wouldn't come in during lunch because I couldn't deal with being in the same room as you just yet. But when you didn't, I held back from having an attack or crying in the middle of class. I ruined a friendship and that was horrible to me.

But we've made it. We've worked it up. Now you're my friend who I trust enough to tell about my favorite pair of underwear and my sexual experiences. I'm happy about this, you know. I'm happy to call you my friend.

Sometimes, I miss you. I wish I could call you my girlfriend and go to your classes and walk you to your bus and kiss you again. But I'm more okay with bumping into you in the hallway while you're leaving and sending you messages and pictures. I'm happy with friendship.

So I just wrote, "ok" and continued watching the show.

Yesterday, I realized I haven't logged into Skype on my phone in a long time. And when I did, I remembered why. The messages haven't loaded since December. We were still called each other cute and perfect and it made me so sad.

I deleted Skype from my phone.

Because I am a good girl. I leave the past in the past as I should. I ignore feelings and concentrate on other's rather than myself. For you, I would do anything you asked of me.

For as long as you want me to be, I will be your friend.

-- Amber

Death

I've planned my death.

That's an absolutely depressing way to start a post. I don't mean I have everything planned. I don't know when I'll die, or what exactly will kill me. I have no idea where I'll do it. I just know how it'll happen. 

I know that, most likely, I'm going to die in a car accident. I don't know whether this will be on my own terms, someone else's, the weathers, or alcohols, but I know that I'll die this way. I've known this since last year when I had to fight every day not to drive myself over a hill or into another car.

What stopped me from doing it then? Mostly, I worried about what my parents would think. Would they think I was weak and killed myself? Would they get upset for having to pay for insurance? What would my little brother do? 

I don't even want to think about my little brother having to live without his big sister. He looks up to me so much. If I died, I feared what he'd do.

Even though I stopped having to fight an urge, I still wonder sometimes when I'm driving. 

What would happen if I drove my car off a cliff on the way to school? How long would it be before they found me? Would my journalism class continue as normal to finish before deadline? Would the crash even kill me or would I just be injured and forced to pay for the damage? 

So many questions, none of which can be answered unless I try it.

Don't worry though, I'm not going to try it. If I tried now, I'd miss so much. Graduation, my first day of college. I'd never marry a pretty girl or be a mother. I'd never get the chance to have a baby girl who I can remind every day is beautiful and strong. I will never have a book published, I'll never live to be a starving artist. I'll never travel the world or visit my internet friends in person. There's so much I'll miss that I can't bare to.

One day, I will die. Everyone dies one day, so it's not like that's a surprise. Although I hope it could be in my sleep with no pain, I know it'll be a car driving into something. I just hope that when the day comes, the only person to be injured will be me. I want no one in my car with me, just me with death in the passenger seat.

Such a scary way to die. I hope it'll be like a roller coaster, but with a drop that never ends.

-Amber

Returning to School

Returning to school can be a pain, painful process after you have a long break. Or even after a short break, like spring break or Christmas break. After spending two weeks watching Netflix, playing Pokemon until my eyes were sore and my team reached level 100 (Okay, Venasaur is a level 89 but he'll be there soon), and being completely antisocial, I was clearly not ready to go back to school.

I suppose you could say my break was rough. My (now ex) girlfriend-- who I liked for so long-- broke up with me after only a month of dating, I was hit with a returning creepy feeling for half of the break, and a new hairstylist cut my hair too short and made it asymmetrical. My break could have gone so much easier. 

Also, school's not easy for me. I'm not a failing student, but I'm also not a passing grade-A student. Okay, I might as well be a failing student. Last year I failed three classes and managed to get my GPA under 2.0 (Can we just blame this on the fact that my sanity and mental well-being was literally hanging on a thread?) 

At least this semester I managed to pass all my classes. (Four C's, Three A's. I did okay.) 

Back to my point, school is far from easy for me-- although it's not surprising considering I'm horrible at studying, never read books given to me, and hate math equations with a burning passion-- and with the combination of annoying people around me, the lack of great friends, and the constant scratching of panic attacks and depression trying to tear its way through me, it would make sense why I don't like school. And yet, I still have to be forced to get out of my warm, comfortable bed in the morning and head to a horrible building five days a week.

After a long break, I returned to new classes, new teachers, more homework, and a horrible dread constantly weighing me down. 

I wonder how many lovely readers feel the same way? School isn't fun for many of us. It may have it's moments but mostly it's just pain and sorry for many of us. Making it through even just one horrible day can be a miracle and a perfect excuse to celebrate with ice cream and chocolate. 

I know this new semester will cause many more worries and stress than school ever should, and starting the new semester will feel strange and new. It's okay to not be excited and uncomfortable with the new changes. 

But remember that everything will be okay. The uncomfortable feeling of dread will disappear and school with become a routine again. Everything will continue to go by smoothly and before we know it, summer will be back.

That almost sounds horrible when you think about it. Some of us will be getting used to the pain and uncomfortable feelings. The stress and worry will still be there but we'll get into a rut and just view it as another part of the day.

Is that what school teaches us? To get used to pain?

What a horrible thought.

A thought that should be brought up for another day. 

Right now, let's grab some ice cream or pizza or candy, snuggle under our blankets, turn on a movie, and congratulate ourselves for making it through another day.

You did great today and you'll do just as great tomorrow.

-- Amber.